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Tuesday, 6 July 2004
Prayer 2
After my lifestyle changed as dramatically as it did, my prayers changed, too. I prayed around the flaws I was aware of that God would show me other areas of my life that needed work, as though it was a salad bar or something, like God was only allowed to make some changes and not others. I also reasoned with Him, saying that I was a much nicer, happier person as a result of my new behavior, and I shouldn't have to change that right away, it could be phased out, I could gradually mature and grow out of it. There was no need to be drastic and go cold turkey. I know there were times where I told God that basically He would have to change my desires or hit this person I'm seeing with a truck. But then I would usually toss in - "I don't really think I am prepared for the test of dealing with the tragic death of X, so if you want us to break up, maybe find a nicer, more gradual way to do it" - I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.
I started asking for that about 3 years ago. If I was willing to discuss those topics with God, I would usually take the same position: I've learned a lot, in some ways I am a better person, in some ways worse, please help me to improve in those areas where I went south, and if you want any big changes, you know I am weak, so help me out a bit, I can't do it without you, remember I tried? I would go through high and low points in prayer, sometimes pretty regularly, sometimes nothing for days, weeks. But that was a pretty typical conversation.
It took awhile for the answer to come. With R away, his similarities to neglectful K became more and more apparent. I wasn't exactly turned off of the idea of dating, as I had prayed for, but I felt the pull toward other people, like I knew there was something missing with R, and I needed to try to find it elsewhere. I considered the bible study boys, nice guys, and I know there is something there R lacks - God. I don't want to let go of R for that though, I would feel like I was abandoning him.
But there are things I have always been drawn to, and I don't even know how to find what I want in the bible study boys. That seems like a huge challenge. I shouldn't have to crack them. If these boys are all traditional and "right" then they should pursue me, and reveal themselves to me. Right? Well, no, Im'n not convinced that that is where I should expect to find someone. Or maybe it is, and the fact that I have no idea how to do that in a Godly way should be a sign that I am not ready for a significant relationship as God sees it. But then I am speculating again. What does God want for me? If I keep letting things happen, whether I think God approves or not, I can say "well God let it happen" but how do I know it is supposed to be that way or not? I mean, what kind of person would I be right now if I was still with K? Bitter and self righteous? Mental? What advantage is there to behaving if I end up just as mental as I have from not behaving? Well, I guess there is more to it than advantages to me, but what am I supposed to do?
So I prayed that if the relationship was to end, that God would let it be gradual. Well, I fell like it was pretty gradual with R, and less painful than I expected. But I hurt now because I hardened my heart a little more. I feel like it shrinks a little every time I am hurt. It is shriveling. I don't know how to repair it. I guard it, and it smothers and dies, and I feel like I lose my ability to love as much as I did before. Like each new person in my life will be allowed less love than the previous. That is not right. How can I make it right? Can I make it right? Will God heal my heart? What do I need to do to let it happen?
I feel like I just did this to MM, I took his trusting open heart and scarred some of it, I hope not permanently. I don't want to hurt him. I know he is sad. That's not what I wanted. I was scared, and he was not the one for me. I loved the sweetness, but it wasn't meant to be. Maybe someday in the future, when we're both different. But not now. I need to learn to trust and love others and he needs to learn to love and respect himself.
I prayed that God would take away the desires, and it seemed like forever that He didn't. He let things fall apart with R. But I mistook that as desires shifting from R to others, and MB was once again a distraction. So as things fell apart with R, all I could think about was my desire to be closer to MB, as well as my interest in others. When R said he was thinking about other people, I wasn't hurt because that's what I thought I wanted too. What I wanted was more attention, hugs, kisses, affection, special treatment, all the things that R sucked at. MB hugs, I wanted that.
But I met MM and got everything that R lacked. Exactly. But after awhile my prayer was finally answered. No longer had any desire to be with anyone. Period. I had to end it with MM. Instead of just enjoying the good and ignoring what I didn't like, which I am a pro at, I felt like I just had to get out. I couldn't imagine wanting anything more than a kiss from anyone. I wanted to hug and hold and snuggle.
Now I am at the point where I want to hold, be held, kiss, be kissed. I can't ask that of MM, and I don't trust R. I think MB would be wonderful for that, if he can tolerate the headcase that I am. And if something more happened, then how would it be different from what happened with R? Close friends get closer. I just don't want to dwell on what I don't have, when I enjoy not being bound to something, because then I have small freedoms I would be sad to lose. And if I got something that was somehow limited, I would be back to R.
I know I want all or nothing, and I am not ready for that and I don't think that person is in my life right now. But I want to enjoy sweet closeness too. Just for comfort. It would be so nice to put things on hold, desires in check, with MB, and just be close and secure and safe in his arms. But it just shows how much I don't know him that I don't know if that would be okay or not. It seems like it is okay now, but for how long? And is he the type of person to even tell me what he's thinking, what he wants?
I can tell that I have started to get things right. With T I didn't follow my normal pattern. It was a new experience. And now we have nothing to regret. And we have the x bond, which is a nice thing. It is nice to have him to talk to about all that stuff, I would rather have that than the weird embarrassment that could follow if things had gone differently. It is just nice to have another special friend. Maybe I can't call him safe, but closer, a little more vulnerable.
I don't think I can ask for anything more right now, just good friends, and help to be a good friend.
Posted by ocean-breezeca at 9:26 PM PDT
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Updated: Tuesday, 20 July 2004 12:23 AM PDT
Prayers
When I was with K, long ago, I prayed for fewer thoughts about the one thing I could not have. It was all I thought about, and no matter what I did, I could not banish that subject from my imagination. So I prayed that God would remove it for me. I don't think He did. I wonder if maybe He did, and I didn't notice, or it didn't take, or I ignored it, or fought it, but I don't remember now. I only remember feeling that my prayer was not answered. I felt like I had done my part and I was giving the rest to God to take care of since I was clearly not able to do it on my own. But the timing was up to Him, and I didn't feel the effects then. So I continued to daydream about and desire far more than I could have.
At the same time I ignorantly thought I was compassionate and loving toward everyone, believing that we were all sinners, and I was no better than anyone else. Well, the truth is, I knew that I was no better than anyone else, but I didn't actually believe it with my heart. There is a huge difference. Since I had never even come close to actually struggling with the big sins that others around me struggled with or indulged in, I felt superior. I felt like I was much stronger, more virtuous, a better Christian - and I saw the whole world in black and white. I was on one side and almost everyone else was on the other side. It took very little - from today's perspective - to push a person from the good side to the bad side. Virtue and morality were simple, Us and Them. Them was where I condemned everyone.
Perhaps that was my greatest sin. That may have been why my prayer for a pure heart and mind were not answered, at least not yet - will it ever be? I thought I was examining the beam in my own eye before the splinters in everyone else's eyes, but I neglected to observe my jealousy/hatred/fear/judgment and focused only on my imagination and fantasies. That seemed like my biggest problem, and so I set my mind to eradicating it.
Maybe when I am old, really old, I will have a better idea of what God had planned for my life, and how all my decisions fit into that plan. Right now, I am not too clear on what's going on. But I think that is pretty typical.
I wonder how moving from a house of non-practicing Christians or non-believers to a house divided between misbehaving believers and a God-hater fits into God's plan for me. (Mental note - perhaps now is the time to read that book "God's Plans For You")
I left the black and white world of one house and entered the gray of another. People who attended church activities and parties with equal regularity, who were as likely to discuss sexual history as church camp, who had apologetics books lining the bookshelf of the same loft that had "pleasure my incredibly horny girlfriend" scrawled across it. I had never met someone who flat out declared himself to be a Christian and when I asked about spending the night at his girlfriend's, he just told me "hey, nobody's perfect." As simple as it sounds, this was revolutionary. I had never considered that people could continue to believe in and follow to the best of their abilities a God whom they had disobeyed in a way I thought was essentially unforgivable. After more than six years of youth group, Sunday services, Bible studies, Christian friends, and the semi-regular study of the Bible, one would hope to have a better understanding of sin, forgiveness, salvation, belief, rationalization, and all the other topics that were discussed week after week.
From where I am now, I have two different ideas about my fall from grace - or what I thought was my biggest stumble.
First, I still struggle with forgiving K, who left me desperately clinging for anyone who would give me a phone call and a bit of attention. He left me so vulnerable that I was completely unprepared for the temptations that came from the one person who seemed able to fill the gap in my life left by K. I have regrets about that situation, but at the same time, I think it was necessary for my growth, even if it still hurts. I struggle with forgiveness because I am so angry sometimes at K, but no matter how many times I tell myself that I have forgiven him, I don't think I ever fully do. I am not sure exactly how to make it final. Maybe I will have to feel completely healed first, or he will have to apologize for something. Is it possible to un-forgive someone? Do I forgive him and then drag it back up? Or do I never completely let go in the first place? This is something to pray about. Mothers of murdered children can forgive the killers, so I should be able to forgive a neglectful ex-boyfriend. In God's time, I guess.
Second, I think that first stumble showed me more about my flaws of judgment than I ever would have learned from any proper Christian activity. I learned how easily each tiny step towards sin seems no worse than the previous step. Like the frog boiling in the pot, or whatever that little story is. Each little thing seems alright, and then you realize you've just sinned big time, and you could have stopped at any time, but it didn't seem like a big deal. And it was so easy. I felt so unchanged although my beliefs declared me immensely transformed, and not in a good way. The excitement of something new and fun and easy to do overshadowed any immediate reflection, but eventually I took the time to observe some changes in myself, my opinions, and my beliefs. At first I did not consider whether I had acted wrongly toward anyone I had viewed as a sinner - an untouchable. I only thought how silly it was that so much emphasis was put on avoiding something so silly. So fun. Yes, it is full of risks, heavy consequences, and there are plenty of good reasons to avoid it. But what I contemplated first was the appropriateness of the Christian community I was surrounded by focusing so much on one thing, when there were so many other big sins out there to conquer. Of course, I still thought I knew everything (just to set the record straight, I don't think I know everything now, not in the least) and I could spot the new big sins and who was stuck in them, and how I was so successful at not being trapped by those sins. Later I realized how critical I had been, and how hard it is for people to live model Christian lives - not perfect, no one is perfect, but many people live lives that are inspiring or intimidating to others. I eventually learned that people's obedience is gray, not black and white, with God or against Him. People are human, after all, and big sins or small sins, we all struggle and fail constantly. Yes, I know actions are either right or wrong, and either obedient or disobedient toward God, I have rarely wanted to debate rules with God. (Occasionally I whine to Him that maybe there should be an exception here or there, but I know He is right, not me, no matter what my feelings are that day) But people are at infinitely varying stages of faithfulness. That was a lesson I am grateful that I learned. I recently read a letter to K that I never sent, and I was shocked to read how harshly critical I was of my closest friends and their weaknesses, and of course now my human nature has moved on and I would not judge someone for the things I did then, but I can find new things to pick at now. Another thing to pray for. Loving the sinner and hating the sin is still a challenge, but I feel like I am more able to love the sinner now that I know I have sinned for real, instead of making up little mental sins that I thought were nothing compared to others - I judged well. Once a sinner, always a sinner. I feel like the more inappropriate experiences I have, the more I am able to love people for who they are instead of seeing their behavior and being incapable of or unwilling to look past it. I feel like the only way I can develop real compassion for someone is to struggle with the same thing they struggle with, or at least know that I have taken the same risks as someone else. Even if it worked out okay for me, the other person may not have been as fortunate, and I can empathize, because I can fully see how I could have suffered the same consequences.
Before I fell, I was consumed with my fantasies and frustrated that I was so distracted and couldn't free myself. Once I began my new life, those thoughts, obsessions, and distractions were almost nonexistent. I was not absorbed with my inappropriate thoughts at all times of the day. I felt like my actions freed my thoughts, my body freed my mind and my heart. I don't know if it is appropriate to be grateful for that, but I am. I would rather fool around for a bit a couple times a week than have my entire free time occupied with scandalous sinful thoughts. I think that could be the idea behind Paul's instructions that it is better to marry than to burn with passion, but I wonder if there is an in-between, like, it is just slightly better to mess around than to burn with passion, and it is far better to marry. Probably not, but this is where I think maybe I will take my liberties with Biblical interpretation.
Posted by ocean-breezeca at 8:50 PM PDT
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Updated: Tuesday, 6 July 2004 8:53 PM PDT
Thursday, 3 June 2004
What Women Want
I want to see him, but only for dinner. Not to stay over. I want to be independent. Free. Visit, eat, chat, ciao. I will not let my weekends be absorbed by one person. I am not ready for the commitment of all my free time to one person, a person I really don't know all that well. How do I tell him I want to relax things a bit? I suppose I could drink myself into oblivion for tomorrow, but what about the next time? And the time after that? I need to figure out what to do, quickly. How to tell him that he is sweet, and fun to be with, but I need to spend less time with him and more with friends and family I have neglected? That is good, and true, hey! I guess that's how I'll tell him. More time with my peeps, distance makes the heart grow fonder, time to reflect, absorb, and collect thoughts.
And time to ride my bike. And start swimming again. And maybe find a kayak too. Summer is here, and I have way too many things I want to do alone to be tied together with any guy for more than an evening or two per week. Yes, Freedom, with some phone time tossed in for the brain.
Remodeling
The houses in my neighborhood, well not my IMMEDIATE neighborhood, but just around the corner, look like they could be owned by people just like me, except they bought them 5 years ago. Now I can't even afford to buy something 10 miles past the 405. I rode my new bike all over the neighborhood, thinking about what I would do if I owned one of those homes. Even the most run down looking home. With the brown lawn. And the junk piled in front of the door. And cars that look like they are in worse shape than my own, a rare feat in this little corner of Orange County. If they would sell me that house, I would make it beautiful. Paint it a nice blue, or maybe orange. No, blue. With a red door. Nice and normal, with a bench out front to watch the sunset and drink a Bass. I would put in some local plants because they use less water (got to do my little hippie-green part) and they won't die if I forget about them for a couple days. Also, they look okay when they are a little overgrown, so the neighbors probably won't complain. Oh, and they smell so nice, is that sage of some sort? A lesson from one of my many attempts at Biology that clearly didn't stick. The smell of the California coastal native plant life is one of my favorite fragrances. There isn't too much down here anymore. There is still a good amount north of Santa Barbara. Along the 101, always drive with the windows down. Well, the windows that will still go down.
I have friends buying houses now. They are slowly remodeling them. I rent. I paint the walls of my rented home as if I owned it. I wouldn't want to buy a home where some friends are buying, but who can afford to buy a home where they actually want to live? Maybe if I found a nice guy and we pooled our money we could buy somewhere that's pretty decent. But I don't want to bother with finding that guy. Especially when the nice guys are hard to keep. Not that they wander off, but they can be so nice that they sometimes aren't much else. Like interesting. Or creative. Or good at listening. And when they do have those qualities, they somehow also tack on problems like fear of commitment, difficulty prioritizing, or adherence to the opposites of my political affiliation and/or religious beliefs.
Sometimes I think it would be better to not date, to just find good friends and leave it at that. But I am good at coupling up. Being half of a couple is easier than not. Being single means being without a date. A date leads to being part of a couple. I haven't yet learned how to make that not happen. And good friends become best friends which then become significant others with ambiguous titles. I am surrounded by couples, and now I am loosely part of one as well. I was very much a part of one up until two months ago. But being significantly involved with anyone 250 miles away is essentially living a single life, only less fun. With that I at least had time to myself. Being involed with a local means less time for me. When I don't have time for me, I spend more time in the shower thinking, which makes me late for work, and also wastes water, and that is bad for the fishes.
In order to remodel my relationship style, I will have to develop some willpower. Maybe I will try a self-help book-on-tape for the drive to and from work. Oh, and if I could get a tape on relaxation, I may not need to run for office on the platform of Road Rage is Free Speech. However, until that willpower starts to kick in, I will try to avoid any situation where I could possibly meet someone who could ask me out on a date and who actually might tempt me to say yes. I will have to practice the newly developed willpower next to the filet mignon on sale at Henry's. Never said NO to that before. Then I will try the Macy's sale shoe rack. Also a healthy temptation. Perhaps I will see if I can actually pay my bills when I intend to, and get my boxes of random stuff organized. Oh yes, when that happens, I will really be ready to think about what the next step in my relationship attitude remodel will be. But until then, I will enjoy my medium rare filet in my fab new shoes.
Posted by ocean-breezeca at 10:13 PM PDT
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Updated: Thursday, 3 June 2004 10:46 PM PDT
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